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Walls and Gates - Part 3
The Home Gate
Do you remember the story line of the black and white movie “To Kill a Mockingbird”? This is a gripping story, scene after scene, beginning to end, of the lives of two kids (Jem and Scout) being visited by a neighbor’s nephew for two different summers in a small town in the south. The story line weaves in the strangle hold racism has on its community, and the injustice within its court systems. More importantly, how all this fear and injustice affects three kids watching the interactions of the adults in their lives.
Time and again walls and gates are brought up between neighbors. In fact, every house in this small town has a picket fence in front of their house. The gates are rickety and squeaky from rust. One scene early in the movie accentuates the fear of the unknown when the three kids sneak into Boo’s backyard to get a peak into his window. As the small gate with dead vines lying over its top is opened, it squeaks. The older boy Jim instructs the younger two to spit on the hinges to stop the squeak. After a second dowsing with spit the gate is opened and the real adventure begins. Moving past the forbidden barrier into the unknown of Boo’s yard builds excitement in any young viewer. When my children watched it with me I had two young kids in my lap almost instantly.
The excitement in this scene climaxes when a shadow comes towards Jem who is now on the porch looking into the house of Boo. As the three kids run and this time making exit under the fence rather than the gate, Jim’s overalls are caught. The only way home is to strip the overalls off and run home in his shirt and briefs. Once back in their backyard jem realizes the only choice is to return for his overalls or be caught and disciplined for trespassing Boo’s property. He goes back alone and finds his pants folded over the fence. For the first time the fear of the unknown is somewhat calmed by the potential kindness of Boo.
As the plot thickens the next summer the three kids become interested in the biggest crime trial this town has ever seen, and Jem and Scout’s dad Atticus (Gregory Peck) is asked to be the defense lawyer for a black man accused of the rape of a young white girl. The hatred and racism couldn’t be thicker. It becomes obvious to everyone in the courtroom that the young girl is covering up her true affections for this young black man and now her dad, the true villain in the show, is trying to pin the rape to this young black defendant to cover his daughter’s shame and the fact that he beat his daughters after catching her kissing him.
The unacceptance of any romantic affection between people of different color, hatred through racism, and the choice to forgive that hatred all make for an exceptional plot. With tremendous anticipation, tension, fear, and then the calming peace of one man committed to justice and truth (played by Gregory Peck) made it my all time favorite show as a child. We would get the show once or twice a year back in the sixties. No videos, DVD’s, cable rentals, just waiting for “Boo” the unknown hero to save the kid’s lives at the end of the show. Justice was rendered to the true villain in the end rather than the scapegoat black man who was obviously innocent to the viewer.
The fence and rickety gate represented the walls of difference between the adults of the town, and the fear of the unknown for the kids. The home of “Boo” held no fear or fascination for the adults on the block, but for the kids, oh my! The unknown of what lurked beyond the wall and gate reigned paramount.
The oldest child Jem was beginning to separate the anger of Boo’s father from Boo himself. Finding the folded pants made more and more sense as presents were regularly found in a tree hole between the two houses just for the kids. Connecting the dots is a slow process for Jem and the viewer when Boo’s father appeared one day with concrete to cover the hole in the tree. Here we observe that children observe those walls adults erect making assumption after assumption that adults never intend to make. This is why walls and gates around a home are just as telling as those around ancient cities. How is it different for children? Perceptions of children watching our rules raise the bar of responsibility for us adults to make clear walls and gates of passage for the curious to separate what should be feared, or just respected and known later in life. Do you remember your perceptions as a child? Did you make assumptions that are currently ludicrous to you?
Young parents are constantly making these choices for their young children. It is the training of young parents here that is imperative. Recently, a young dad with three children called asking for counsel regarding a demand from his older sister for him to make a choice. His sister wanted her children to have no contact with her former husband. She declared that he could have relationship with either her and her children, or the former husband who was one year out of prison, but not both. I asked if there was any reason for his sister to suspect that he would subject her kids to their dad without her approval. The answer was ‘no’. I asked him what his motive was for maintaining relationship with this former brother- in-law who had just got out of prison. He stated clearly that God had placed it on his heart to lead this man to the Lord. In other words, he had no hidden agenda to bring reconciliation between both his sister and her new husband, and her former husband.
The principles surrounding this concerned but manipulative sister may help us adults to move forward in God’s grace and love in other similar circumstances. First, the young dad has complete freedom to engage this former brother-in-law without sin. In fact, he need not even tell his sister of his intentions. He can maintain contact with him as long as he respects his sister’s request to not bring her children in contact with her X. His gate of freedom is open even though his sister wants to control his life with walls which are intended for her children. We all understand the mom’s fears and motivations to protect her children. However, like most of us, she has exerted her walls of protection into other’s lives making final ultimatums for adults that are intended for her kids. It may seem to you that these are fuzzy lines, but healthy walls and gates do exist for kids, that are not relevant for mature adults. It may even be argued whether total absence of their father is in the children’s best interest?
This young dad faces losing both his and his children’s ability to keep relationship with his sister’s children all because he will stand against incorrect walls being placed upon him. The principle here is lesson number one:
“When we place walls and gates around our children, we must allow for gates of passage for other adults to pass through our walls as long as they are mature enough to respect the concerns we have for our children.”
For example, the fears of racism in “To Kill a Mockingbird” reside within each of us and are great examples of how our cultural norms can raise unhealthy standards that can choke our lives. Can you think of an example for which racism has caused you to raise walls in your children’s live which should not be there? In both my wife and my childhoods at one point in time our best friends were black. My first son is named after my best friend Seth. This has made it easier for our family to invite friends of color and race into our home for our children to love and accept differences in people. Truly, what happens when gates are opened is both adults and kids alike learn that there are only superficial differences. I learn many years ago in friendships and playing football at the college level that racism is the fear of difference. That fear disallows gates of freedom in our thinking. Prejudice is the opposite of freedom.
In other words, a fear or conviction in one family may be an area of liberty in a different family willing to accept the potential hazard by faith. Both should respect the boundaries of the other and show deference when one’s walls or freedoms cannot intermingle with the faith of another. Case in point; my friend recently chose for his kids to all go to the theater to watch the movie “Ironman”. My wife and I went to the movie to preview it first. There is one scene in the first part of the movie which was inappropriate for our kids to view. This does not mean it is inappropriate for his kids to watch the same scene with their dad.
This same dad and I have a great deal of respect for each other and trust each other to host the other’s kids occasionally for a spend the night. For example, when my son was asked to spend the night my friend chose to allow a certain movie for the young men to watch. I called and voiced my concern with the choice for my son. He immediately deferred to my preference and chose another movie. He could have just as easily stated that because the other dads of boys spending the night were okay with the movie that I was free to keep my son home. He still would not have sinned against me showing preference to the majority. This is the healthy kinds of walls and gates that God desires for families seeking God’s best for their kids and wholeness within the body of Christ.
In these situations parents must choose to not be offended by another’s freedoms and liberties. This should hold true even if it means less interaction or fun for one of your children. This can be accomplished with a little faith between two families for most mature Christians. However, what about on a larger scale? What about churches or schools that are making decisions for a number of families, all the while trying to consider each family’s boundaries? PTA meetings have been hashing this kind of thing long before private school or home school ever arrived. Basically, the leaders would get input from the parents and make a decision. If someone could not live with the decision, that family would humbly bow out.
Two problems exist when either the parents are not allowed to voice their opinions or preferences to leadership, or when parents opt out for personal preference and then gossip against leadership rather than respect their decision for the whole. We can see that it works both ways with walls and gates. Namely, that those with convictions keep it for themselves, and those with liberties to keep it for themselves without imputing them to others. This sounds wonderful, but most difficult to apply. Especially with the inherent protective natures of parents. The more involved and controlling the parent is, the more intolerant that parent tends to be.
We see this repeatedly in home school circles, but really it is pervasive throughout cultures and generations. Healthy boundaries (walls and gates) always reign in natures wild animal kingdoms. One animal faces a sure death when passing too close to the clear walls of another species. I sometimes wonder if humans really have the superior ability to animals when dealing amiably with these walls and gates around our families.
The most obvious comparison we observe in protection of both young animals and children leads us to our second principle:
“There are more walls of protection in the beginning of rearing young, and a slow releasing that must take place at appropriate times throughout adolescence for maturity into adulthood can ever take place.”
Even animals instinctively know that the slow loosening of constraints as apposed to quickly increased gates of passage will help protect their adult offspring from death. I wonder at times if folks couldn’t learn from this example when they find themselves too close to the forest to see the wilting tree before them.
I’m convinced that most parents don’t want to be racist, or insensitive to others convictions and liberties, but we must simply admit that we don’t consider the needs of others before our own. What non-Christian would not be drawn to this kind of church or school? I’m not talking about not having any walls and boundaries. Rather, considering that Jesus sought time with the adults of his community while his parents looked for him for three days(and did not sin), teaches us that this transition into adulthood requires a certain independence which parents need to learn to accept.
Maybe the example of racism is too obvious for you as a parent to consider healthy walls and gates. Do you consider yourself open to your adolescent child’s desire for independence from your thinking though he or she still desires to stay true to scripture and even to your desires for them? Even more pointed; do you want your kids to necessarily respond to life the way you do? The honest adult most likely answers ‘yes’ to the last question, but regrets not taking more time building the relationship for these kinds of interactions. What parent worth his or her salt doesn’t want the kids to take after them?
Yet, this study on walls and gates is a starting point to make sure they are both God’s walls and gates, and for our children with each of their unique differences. Please don’t hear me saying soft, or no walls. Rather, a careful thought through, prayed through, we’re both on board kind of plan with enough gates to please God in our entrusted stewardship―our kids. That, my friend, is calculated, and deliberate. Walls without calculated and deliberate gates are sloppy, unthoughtful, and repeatedly fall short of the relationship we all desire in our adult children.
A Dangerous List of Needed Gates?
1. The gate of friends which in the beginning are like minded, yet may differ from your ideals as time passes and choices become more your adult children. This helps younger children to see that there will come a time for more freedom which can motivate to be content for now with the freedoms of choice for now.
2. The gate of music―
3. The gate of movies―entertainment
4. The gate of opposite sex friends.
5. The gate of having and spending money.
6. The gate of disagreeing with mom and dad respectfully, and still felling accepted and loved.
Part 4 - coming soon
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